I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
