They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
