the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I need water and some morals
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
