Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You pole danced in your parka.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
