I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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