I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize