You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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