Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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