How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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