you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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