So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
