After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
