ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
