both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
