you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
