there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
did i just pee glitter
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
