Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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