im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
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He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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