Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
