Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
