he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
