Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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