i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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