would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
