OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
