i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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