clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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