I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
