no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The air was thick with penises
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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