Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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