dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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