She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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