I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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