My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
