I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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