dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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