I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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