dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Come on in and take your pants off
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