FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
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So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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