Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
