just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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