i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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