im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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