I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
