He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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