I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night