Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
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Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
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Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.