I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
A Guy Sent A Woman What May Be The Craziest Breakup Text Ever
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
28 Completely Safe For Work Pictures Of Genitals
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.