I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.