I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
