So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I need a beard to bite.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
