Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
