I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
