i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just gift wrapped bread.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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