R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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