I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
